Papa

Last week my grandpa passed away. It has been quite a week let me tell you. When my mom called me at work last Thursday I knew before she told me. The strength that I alone have was made very apparent. The kind of strength that Ashlee has is shown by her shaking, on the floor, trying to not pass out. Greg had to come get me from work. I don't think I have ever cried like that before. That is the strength that I have.

I got on a plane Friday morning only to be thrown into the madness. I prayed for peace. I prayed that the tension that often occurs in my family would not erupt. I placed myself before the foot of the cross and trusted God to take care of me and my family. I almost cried before I even got on the plane. When I got off the plane in Roswell, NM I was given the job of planning the funeral service, picking out a shirt for my grandpa to wear, and helping pick out flowers for my grandpa's casket piece. I have never wanted to just sit down and cry in Hobby Lobby, but I wanted to that day.

Saturday and Sunday was more planning, planning, planning. Mom and I went to see the body at the funeral home. Not going to lie, I was totally freaked out and didn't know if I could even walk in that room where my grandpa was lying in a casket. It made it so real to watch my mom carry the flowers out to the car. I felt like I was having an out of body experience. Now let me explain this. I was there in body, but I felt like I was watching the entire experience from the outside. It was so weird. I eventually made into the viewing room. It took awhile, I had to ask God to give me the strength to walk into the viewing room. Once I made it around the corner I knew he was really gone. I knew his body was lying there, but he wasn't there.

Monday was spent waiting for our family to get in. I enjoyed getting to see everyone. But is was so hard watching them mourn my grandpa. It hurt my heart to watch theirs breaking. I wondered what was going through their minds at that moment. I wondered what my grandpa would have told us if he had been there. I wondered what he would be doing.

Tuesday morning began early. I didn't sleep that good. Had to get to Roswell early. I put on the same gray suit that I have worn several times recently. This time I was putting it on in preparation for getting up in front of my entire family, reading my grandpa's obituary, and sharing my testimony. I was scared out of my mind, but certain of the message the Lord had given me. The message had changed overnight, and Mom helped me prepare on the way to Roswell. Around 11:00 this Tuesday, I straightened my shaky legs, and slowly walked to the podium. I was choked up, I made my way through the obituary, until I read my name. I had to give myself a moment. Then I read Psalms 46:1-3. I told everyone in that room about My Refuge and Strength. It was hard, but good. My heart hurt because I was missing my grandpa, but I knew I had the opportunity to share my faith with my entire family. I made it through, but only by the grace and strength of God.

When I got on the plane home last night, I have never been so tired. But I have never been so grateful for having a Rock, a Fortress, a Strong Tower, Refuge, and Source of Strength that didn't come from me. That is all God. That is His name. It was not an ounce of me. I don't have that kind of strength. I hope my family saw that. I hope that they saw Christ and not Ashlee. I hope that their hearts are drawn closer to Him. I hope that He alone is glorified in this time. I see that in my grandma. I see Him being glorified in and through her. The strength she has shown could only be of Him.

Where is your source of strength? Who is your source of strength? If it's not Christ, lets talk. If it is, isn't He so good? ugh, I am so thankful!

You Are More Than Enough For Me

This week has been something. I started this week after last week of working 8-9or 10 depending on the day. This week has been the same. I am walking around like a zombie.

I am balancing job: stressing about all I need to get done at work, knowing I can't because work right now is a going to a conference, Greg: not seeing Greg because he is insanely busy with school and I am insanely busy with work, yet still desiring to have a real conversation that lasts more than a minute, my grandfather: who has been in the hospital, me thinking he was going to die, knowing he was going to be having surgery in his 80's, and imagining him in an operating room like the ones on Grey's Anatomy, family: wanting to be there for my family, but being far away, needing the support of my family yet being the sounding board/dump pile

And of course there is always the sleep factor, or lack of it. I am trying to sleep each night but waking up a million times in worry and fear hearing satan whisper in my ear.

The only comfort I have had is just relying on my Heavenly Father and singing songs to Him in my heart. Every time I have a moment of fear I refocus on God. Worry does me no good. It just makes me crazy. I don't have time to be crazy. So I sing in my heart. This week I have sung over and over again a song from church on Sunday "I believe You're my healer, I believe You're more than enough for me, Jesus You're all I need"

Do you know who Jesus is? Do you believe He is more than enough? Do you believe He is all you need? Well whether you know Him or not, whether you believe Him to be more than enough or not, He is. He is, because He is God.

I leave you with a little humor I found on my Starbucks cup a week or so ago. It was very fitting then, and more than fitting now. This is what I want to do more than anything else right now:

Revolution Weekend

I have been so busy this week that I haven't had time to tell you about the amazingness of last weekend.

Last weekend, 3,000 students worshipped God in my church. Last weekend I got to listen to Francis Chan reach into the hearts of my 8th grade girls. Last weekend I reached a new level of community with my girls. Last weekend the Lord just blew me away and spoke to me in new ways.

You see last weekend my church partnered with Student Life and brought in Francis Chan, Kristian Stanfield, and 3,000 students from churches all over.

Let me show you what it looked like!

I had an amazing time. I saw God speak to my girls in ways I had never seen before. I saw God begin to break through walls that I had not seen before.

What have you seen God doing recently??

Confessions of a Newbie Event Planner

This past week I got the pleasure of taking work on the road. My work was hosting a retreat in the Hill Country of Texas, specifically Horseshoe Bay Resort. Um yeah it was AMAZING! So here are my confessions about the week.

1. I ate way too much. Not only that, I ate amazing catered food that add up to millions of calories.
2. I may have gained 5 lbs this week.
3. I was in awe of the amazing beauty of the resort. I kept taking pictures of everything, even the decor.
4. I've never stayed in a hotel where they take you bags up to the room for you.
5. I need some cute hang out clothes to wear around the hotel at night, because I ran into some people in my not so nice sweat pants....OOOOOPPPS!
6. I really enjoyed hanging out with the wives on the trip. They were such a blast.
7. I forgot how awesome the hill country was and how much I love being there.
8. Every afternoon I just wanted to take a nap.
9. I love my job.
10. I learned how to make the most amazing chicken enchiladas, but I don't know if I will ever make them because they are kinda complicated.
11. The resort has a putt putt course with real grass.

These are just a few of the memories from this week! Pictures to come later!