Bitterness Rises Up (My Story Part 3)

I sat on Sally’s porch. Sally was Girls Camp Director and basically my boss for the summer. She asked me if I thought I could make it through the summer. I knew she needed me to make it through the summer. I had signed a contract for 10 weeks, so I didn’t think I had much of a choice. I said yes.

Then Sally said these words “Ashlee, do not give Satan a foothold.” She cautioned me to guard my heart. In my brokenness I bowed up against her. I wondered how she could even think I would allow the enemy to have a foothold in my life. Arrogance poured out of me and I became angry.

Over the next few days everything began to change and my anger grew. People came up to me telling me that they just knew we would get back together. I wanted to shout at them. Other people chose a side and stopped talking to me. I didn’t realize I would lose some of my friends too. Again, anger spewed out of my heart.

I was hurt and angry. I didn’t understand it, but bitterness rose up in my heart. I believed that I had to be tough. I believed I had to wear a nice, pretty, smiling face. So I did the only thing I knew to do to survive. I pushed the anger and hurt deep down into my heart and tried to feel nothing at all.

Bitterness Started with Anger
My anger didn’t go away. It flowed into bitterness. Every time I got angry bitterness grew. Every time I saw him around camp my blood boiled. I was angry that He didn’t seem to care about me and moved on so quickly. I was angry he could laugh and didn’t hurt like me. I was angry every time I saw a girl go up and talk to him. My anger made way for bitterness.

Anger is NOT a Right
I believed I had a right to be angry. He had hurt me. It was all his fault. I held on to my anger and believed I had every right to hold tight.  Scripture says differently: “Do not be eager in your heart to be angry, For anger resides in the bosom of fools.” It is never our right to be angry. Yet I believed I had every right to be angry.

I Refused to Forgive
I didn’t want to forgive him. I knew that Scripture said forgive those who hurt us and pray for our enemies. I was not about to forgive him. My hurt was real, it was deep, and he was not getting out of this. I believed that to forgive him meant he would get off the hook for all the hurt he had caused me. I didn’t realize I was the only one hurt by my refusal to forgive.

Bitterness is a Dark Pit
Bitterness did not come quickly, but slowly rose up in my heart. It started as a simple thought, which moved to anger. As I held onto that anger it grew to bitterness. Bitterness dropped down into a dark pit. Bitterness took hold in my heart. Eventually I ended up in full depression. I was down so deep I didn’t know how to climb out.

I Gave Satan a Foothold
As I walked in bitterness I walked in sin. I allowed the enemy to have a foothold in my life that did not belong to him. Sally knew what she was talking about when she warned me. The foothold of bitterness gave way to more footholds. I was not cautious to guard my heart against the enemy.  I gave the enemy permission to mess with me. He lied to me over and over again.  I didn’t even recognize his lies because I was blinded by my bitterness.

The battle in my heart and mind has just begun. Anger and bitterness bubbled and boiled within me. Had God left me here to sit in my pain all alone? Would He rescue me and take me out of this mess? 

Just joining My Story? Read Part One and Part Two

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