Kingdom Bashing

Oh and the Kingdom bashing continues dear friends. I seriously cannot get away from this word kingdom. It’s been a week. Full of emotion (not the good kind) and tears (again not the good kind). 

Here is my latest kingdom issue: Feeling appreciated. I often struggle with feeling appreciated, in pretty much every area of my life. I work in one of those jobs where I often go unseen. Normally, I really don’t mind. But after a big project, a “thank you” or a “good job” sure feel nice. The story goes on and on. It carries over into every crevice of my life. After awhile it starts to make a girl feel taken for granted. All of that came to head this week. I became an emotional volcano ready to erupt at any point. 

As I was talking it out with my husband this morning. He looked at me and said. Have you considered that this process of getting rid of the junk in your life is not only physical, but also emotional. He encouraged me to consider other “junk” that I might be carrying in my mind or heart. Then he prayed over me as I cried (I told you, emotional mess). 

As I have begun to consider what my husband had to say I am realizing that being appreciated falls directly under me trying to run my own kingdom. You see, the Queen has needed what most queens want. To be loved and adored. To be lavished upon. And ya’ll I am realizing just how much this world has gotten in my head. How I have allowed the ways and the thoughts of the world to be my own. It reminds me of James 4: 4 You adulteresses, do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.The word friendship is a pretty cool world, it means to adapt someone’s thoughts or ways as your own. And then that word hostility, man it means to willing set yourself up against.  And that is where I find myself, I am willing setting myself up against God because I have become a friend of the world. I have allowed the thoughts and ways of the world to become my own. 

That is a hard pill to swallow. In fact I’d rather just ignore it. So how do I reconsider my ways of thinking about feeling appreciated? Well, first I have to remember that my worth is not found me, but in Christ. He is the one who brought me from death to life. He made me a new creation. He has adopted me into His Kingdom(not made me the mini Queen of my own kingdom). So my response must be to run to Him. Seek Him. He must be my source of affirmation. I also have to constantly keep my mind in check. I have to be aware of where my focus is. So I did something to help myself. I created this for my desk. 

It is a daily reminder that it is HIS Kingdom, not mine. Finally I have to let scripture rule and reign over my thoughts and emotions. I have to remember that Jesus did not promise us a life of roses and sweet encouragements. He promised us this life would be hard. He also promised us that we would not be alone in the midst. 

So that is where I am today. I don’t have it all together. I don’t have it figured out. I am sure I will still feel under valued many days to come. I am sure I will still seek the approval and affirmation of men some days instead of seeking those things from God. I am sure that God will continue to take the battering ram after my little kingdom. I am sure there is more pain, emotion, frustration to come. I’m so glad God has not left me alone in the midst of it all!

Wrecked for the Kingdom

The past few weeks God has really been dealing with me. It began with my general disgust toward the clutter in our (the hubby and I's) apartment. While visiting a friend's new house I was comforted by the simple decor in her house. It was beautiful and clean and sleek. It honestly was so soothing to me. We came home to our one bedroom apartment (I love our apartment by the way) and it seemed like there was clutter and chaos everywhere. It grossed me out!

Then two weeks of me being sick during the weekend allowed the chaos to grow along with the laundry and the dust on my furniture.

Along the way I have been reading my friend Heather's blog. She was reading this book I had been hearing about called Seven: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess by Jen Hatmaker. Initially, I was opposed. It seemed like pure legalism to me, and I was not up for that! But then my friend just kept writing and ya'll it starting getting to me. What she was writing about was real and honest. It has nothing to do with legalism and it intrigued me and messed with me at the same time.

Between my friend's blog and the growing chaos of stuff around me I just about lost it. I texted my friend and told her she was getting to me and that I was exhausted by the junk around me. She so sweetly encouraged me to read the book. She even added me to a Facebook group she started for others reading the book. I am so grateful to be apart of a group of ladies trying to walk in transparency.

Well this weekend I walked into a book store and ya'll I bought that book. I started reading it yesterday. I've already read two chapters, and I would like to share with you something that is sticking out to me.

Jen Hatmaker's book covers seven months of fasting. She fasts in different ways, mostly by reducing down to 7 things each month (7 foods, 7 pieces of clothing, etc). As I have been reading one phrase she says has really gotten under my skin.

"Jesus, may there be less of me and my junk and more of You and Your kingdom."

WOW big slap in the face right there. Less of me and my junk is something I have been desiring. In fact I have been craving a more simplistic lifestyle and home. But to be frank with you I hadn't thought about more of God's kingdom. I have only considered my little kingdom that I have been creating and wanting to clean it up and clear it out. Often our world encourages the creating of our little kingdoms. I mean seriously, have you seen Pinterest? What about Facebook? They are all about building your own kingdom and making yourself known. Man I totally missed it you guys! I've missed the whole point!

And in that God is dealing with me. He is in my face and asking to dust out the recesses of my heart. And I am so uncomfortable with it all. This morning I walked around my apartment in disgust with myself. I immediately started opening drawers and clearing out my clothes. Yes I still have things to wear, but gosh there is so little that I actually wear, it's ridiculous!

As uncomfortable as I currently am, I know that the uncomfort has only begun. God is wrecking my life for His Kingdom. I am terrified. I have no idea what is ahead and no idea of what God is going to do in my heart, my home, my marriage. But at the same time I am excited to hear from the Lord. I know it is when we are most uncomfortable that we see that God is truly enough in our lives. I pray that I am strong enough to walk in obedience. Until then stay tuned for I am sure there is more wreckage in my future. May there me less of me and More of Him!