Beautiful Mess

I have been such a mess this week. For about half a week I have been this bumbling emotional volcano. And I fear it’s written all over my face. Monday morning I felt like I should wear a sign that says: “Please do not hug me, ask me how I am, or show other signs of sympathy or I will cry.”

 

I sat with my journal and wrote out every emotion I was feeling. I laid it all out there on paper. I wrote down how each emotion made me feel about myself. And in that I sought the Lord. I asked Him to remind me that He is enough. I asked Him to be my source of identity instead of these sometimes superficial things that make me angry. I asked Him to help me show forgiveness and to walk in forgiveness instead of anger. I admitted that I did not want to forgive many of these things because I felt that somehow my feelings would be invalidated. He whispered my need to forgive again. I asked Him for the strength to do it because I know I do not have in within myself.

 

I am a complete mess and somehow I know that is okay. As I stood in church on Sunday two significant songs where played back to back that I had been thinking about last week. In those moments God whispered, I am here in the midst of the mess. I have not forgotten you, you are seen and known and loved deeply. I sat down and thanked Him for meeting me in the middle of my mess. And I was reminded, that I do not have to be all cleaned up to come to Him. I do not have to wear a brave face. I can come to Him in the midst of my mess. And I am learning that sometimes the mess is beautiful. It brings me to a place of humility before God where I remember how desperately I need Him. I am reminded that I am not super human. I cannot do it all, nor do I really want to.

 

This week I have been listening to my favorite Lindsey Kane song called “The Valley.” The phrases “You didn’t take me out of it, but you joined me in it; you didn’t lift me out of it, but you lifted me up in it; You didn’t pull me out of it, but you pulled me toward You in it.” and “Where would I be without Your sovereignty” are ringing true in my head. That’s is exactly where I have been. I’m in the midst of my mess, but God has not left me. He has joined me in it, lifted me up in it, and pulled me toward Him in it.

 

Here in the mess I am being pulled toward Him. I am being heated up like gold when it is purified. As the heat rises all the impurities rise to the top and are skimmed off. In the end, the gold becomes more precious, because it is more pure. All the emotion I am feeling and dealing with is the impurity in my life. It is all rising to the top as God allows the heat to be turned up hotter and hotter. As the heat rises, God is exposing my sin and making me deal with it. And in that, He is making me more like Him. It’s slow, it’s painful, it may mean more messy, but beautiful days ahead.