Papa | Walking Worthy: Papa

Thursday, February 26, 2009


Last week my grandpa passed away. It has been quite a week let me tell you. When my mom called me at work last Thursday I knew before she told me. The strength that I alone have was made very apparent. The kind of strength that Ashlee has is shown by her shaking, on the floor, trying to not pass out. Greg had to come get me from work. I don't think I have ever cried like that before. That is the strength that I have.

I got on a plane Friday morning only to be thrown into the madness. I prayed for peace. I prayed that the tension that often occurs in my family would not erupt. I placed myself before the foot of the cross and trusted God to take care of me and my family. I almost cried before I even got on the plane. When I got off the plane in Roswell, NM I was given the job of planning the funeral service, picking out a shirt for my grandpa to wear, and helping pick out flowers for my grandpa's casket piece. I have never wanted to just sit down and cry in Hobby Lobby, but I wanted to that day.

Saturday and Sunday was more planning, planning, planning. Mom and I went to see the body at the funeral home. Not going to lie, I was totally freaked out and didn't know if I could even walk in that room where my grandpa was lying in a casket. It made it so real to watch my mom carry the flowers out to the car. I felt like I was having an out of body experience. Now let me explain this. I was there in body, but I felt like I was watching the entire experience from the outside. It was so weird. I eventually made into the viewing room. It took awhile, I had to ask God to give me the strength to walk into the viewing room. Once I made it around the corner I knew he was really gone. I knew his body was lying there, but he wasn't there.

Monday was spent waiting for our family to get in. I enjoyed getting to see everyone. But is was so hard watching them mourn my grandpa. It hurt my heart to watch theirs breaking. I wondered what was going through their minds at that moment. I wondered what my grandpa would have told us if he had been there. I wondered what he would be doing.

Tuesday morning began early. I didn't sleep that good. Had to get to Roswell early. I put on the same gray suit that I have worn several times recently. This time I was putting it on in preparation for getting up in front of my entire family, reading my grandpa's obituary, and sharing my testimony. I was scared out of my mind, but certain of the message the Lord had given me. The message had changed overnight, and Mom helped me prepare on the way to Roswell. Around 11:00 this Tuesday, I straightened my shaky legs, and slowly walked to the podium. I was choked up, I made my way through the obituary, until I read my name. I had to give myself a moment. Then I read Psalms 46:1-3. I told everyone in that room about My Refuge and Strength. It was hard, but good. My heart hurt because I was missing my grandpa, but I knew I had the opportunity to share my faith with my entire family. I made it through, but only by the grace and strength of God.

When I got on the plane home last night, I have never been so tired. But I have never been so grateful for having a Rock, a Fortress, a Strong Tower, Refuge, and Source of Strength that didn't come from me. That is all God. That is His name. It was not an ounce of me. I don't have that kind of strength. I hope my family saw that. I hope that they saw Christ and not Ashlee. I hope that their hearts are drawn closer to Him. I hope that He alone is glorified in this time. I see that in my grandma. I see Him being glorified in and through her. The strength she has shown could only be of Him.

Where is your source of strength? Who is your source of strength? If it's not Christ, lets talk. If it is, isn't He so good? ugh, I am so thankful!


  1. Oh Ashlee I am so sorry. So so sorry.

    And I am leaving for Nashville today at 12:30 - I will be out of town all weekend! :( I AM SO SAD TO MISS YOU!

  2. I'm sorry about your grandpa. I just lost mine about a year and a half ago. He's the first close relative for me to lose, so I know how you feel. I admire the strength God gave you to be so involved in the funeral and planning, I know I couldn't have done that. I just sat there and balled the whole time. I hope you feel better. :)