The Big Give: When God Shows Up

I could not believe it was happening. I sat at the lunch table stunned.  I could barely look at my friend who sat across from me. I felt exposed.  I looked up and said to her, “you are a huge answer to prayer”. Not 24 hours earlier I sat down and wrote out this prayer in my journal:

Lord, I need your direction. I need you to speak clearly to me. Lord would you help me know what you have for me? Lord, I feel like I am at a crossroad. I am not sure if you want me to proceed with this or how you want me to proceed. Lord, the entire process scares me. I don't have a clue how to go forward. Lord help me. God bring someone who can give me wisdom. Help me to know if this is what You want me to do. 

And not 24 hours later, God was showing up answering this specific prayer. He brought me a friend who could share her wisdom with me and answer all the questions. I sat down to pray about what I felt God calling me to do for the Big Give, and that prayer led into a prayer about something bigger. Something I had felt God calling me to, that He had affirmed many times, but I was afraid to even speak anyone even my husband. 

I have been in a season of being stretched by God. He continues to ask me to step outside of what I think my life should be and call me to different things. Now, He is calling me to something different that seriously scares me. It’s different, I feel inadequate (as in I have NO training), and I’m afraid I will fail. For the last few months I have tried to pretend He was not calling me to pursue this, but He continues to bring it to my attention. God simply will not let go of this new direction in my life. It’s funny because all along the way God has put people in my life to encourage me and believe in me even when I did not believe in myself.

As I prepared to walk away from the lunch table, another friend looked at me and  in her best momma voice said, "Ashlee you are now accountable to what God has shown you". Heaviness and peace set in at the same time. Heaviness, because it still feels overwhelming.  Peace, because God has clearly spoken. 

I sent my husband this text: God just showed and answered a very specific prayer request. At this point I had not even shared with my husband what God was leading me to. He was totally in the dark. I was honestly afraid to tell him, because I knew he would hold me accountable to what God was telling me.

As I went throughout my day, defeat set in again. (You think the enemy is totally against me pursuing what God has called me to?? Yeah, I’m thinking so.) By the time I made it home and was able to sit down and visit with my husband the heaviness weighed on me. I felt annoyed and my introverted self just wanted to hide. My husband looked at me and asked, “Are you even excited about this?”  Honestly? I am totally thrown off guard by what God is doing. I am still terrified. It’s so ridiculous. God has shown Himself to be more than faithful to me, yet I still doubt Him.

I’m actually mad at myself and the enemy for the doubt that weighs in my head. The doubt presses down with a heaviness I cannot describe. It is like I am wearing hundreds of pounds on my shoulders and this cloud is pressing in all around me. Yet in the heaviness the Lord quietly speaks to me, “Ashlee press on, trust Me, rely on Me, remember who I am, remember My character.” And He continues to show up in the smallest and greatest ways. A truth of God's character as I scroll through Pinterest, urging me on, reminding me of God's character. A husband who looks me in the eye and tells me he believes in me.

I have a choice to make. I can allow the heaviness and doubt to press in, or I can choose to walk remembering who God is. I can freak out or I can remember He is my covenant partner who is worthy of my trust and my faith. I am so grateful that He shows up and just the right time! 

So stay tuned. Next Monday I will share all about my Big Give and share more about what God is calling me to specifically.